Most people measure their self-esteem through things that are external to themselves:
- Did I get a good appraisal?
- Did I get the raise I asked for?
- Do my colleagues think I'm a team player?
- Did I get praised by my manager?
These criteria for assessing our self-esteem aren't in themselves wrong.
Of course, we need the acknowledgement of others to confirm and bolster our self-esteem.
However, if our self-esteem is based solely on these external criteria we are in trouble.
If we continually rely on other people to make us feel good, then we need ever-increasing doses of approbation from others to keep us going.
Without a firm foundation of your own view of self-worth, then your self-esteem can be knocked back quite quickly and easily.
There will also be a tendency to blame something or someone other than yourself when your self-esteem is knocked and to play the game of "if only"
"If only such and such would happen or hadn't happened then I'd feel better and things would be OK."
Good self-esteem comes from really knowing what qualities you have and what skills you have that you can rely on.
It comes from setting yourself realistic and achievable goals and knowing that you can reach them, rather than trying to be perfect and do everything well.
Real self-esteem comes from knowing where you shine and putting yourself in those situations as often as possible.
We can't really point you in any one direction since gaining and developing self-esteem underlies all our work.
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