Family Feuds - Assertiveness & Stress Management Skills Training Development leadership development, communication training and presentation skills

Family Feuds - Assertiveness and Stress Management Skills Training Development

Women's Health Magazine: Read Jo Ellen Grzyb's article, Director at Impact Factory. Looking forward to the dentist more than the family reunion? Here is how to survive those clan clashes...

Ah, family - they've known us the longest, seen us through tough times, and we can ask them to go into bat for us when it counts. All in the name of blood ties. Yet negotiating a family get-together can involve more tests of endurance and stamina than entering an Ironman race. (And that's just the first 10 minutes...)

In a recent online Stress Management survey of 1963 people, a whopping 1041 of them said they stress about family gatherings because of difficult relatives. Dysfunctional families are the bread and butter of telly shows, movies and books the world over. OK, so we don't all have criminal mastermind dad Wolf from Outrageous, but why is family angst so common?

Click here to see or print the article

Psychotherapist Jo Ellen Grzyb, author of

Family Heaven Family Hell (Buy the book here) says:

"It's because a clan gathering lets old resentments blossom and old patterns of behaviour resurface. When Conflict arises, we tend to revert back to our childhood selves and forget our adult ways of dealing with tricky interpersonal situations."

So whether you've got a weekend at the beach with the extended rellies coming up, or a summer BBQ with your least-favourite cousins, here's our lowdown on dealing with the bad and the ugly of whanau time - and (hopefully) rediscovering the good.

Great expectations

Don't beat yourself up if you dread seeing your family more than the gynaecologist. We often have a romanticised ideal of a family gathering (thanks a lot, Brady Bunch), which piles on the pressure.

There are two typical mindsets, according to Jo Ellen Grzyb;

"Some people are in fantasyland, thinking;

'It's all going to be fantastic this time, and we'll get along!'

Or, they think the opposite;

'I don't know why I bother going, it's all going to be just as awful as the last time.'

The key to finding the middle ground?

Accept that your family are who they are, and that they're not going to change overnight. Old habits die hard - including your own.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results," warns Auckland psychologist Dr Ruth Jillings, who specialises in family issues. "You probably already know what you're going to get, so be prepared for it."

If your family typically manages to hold it together for the first hour or so before things start to disintegrate, then plan to leave around that time. If dealing with a certain person worries you, think through how you might react to them in advance. "If you have a plan to deal with difficult interactions, your anxiety will reduce, and you'll feel more confident to enter a tricky situation", says Women's Health stress less expert Dr Mary Grogan.

Also, remember that a certain amount of tension and conflict is inevitable. So why not go all zen on it? Allow it to happen without needing to fix it.

In the thick of it

No matter how much mental prep you've done, sometimes things just don't go to plan. With all the good intentions in the world, the minute your mother-in-law wrestles the tongs off you to toss the salad "the right way", all bets are off for how long it will take you to grab the keys and go searching for a nearby motel unit, corkscrew in hand.

Jillings recommends you attempt to de-escalate every situation that threatens thunderclouds. "Laugh it off, or lightly suggest this isn't the time to talk about it."

If it's something that can't wait, find somewhere private to talk. "If you have to deal with it, be very specific about what the issue is, and remind the other person that you are only going to deal with that one problem right now," Jillings says.

Another option? Focus on the cause of their behaviour rather than the behaviour itself. Easier said than done, we know. So here's some advice on what drives badly behaved rellos - and how to shut them own before things go pear-shaped.

Great examples

Bossy Mother & Mother-in-law

Mothers and mother-in-laws are often demonised, but she may not deliberately be making your life a living hell.

"To you, her comments sound like criticisms, but it's possible that in her own mind she is trying to be helpful.." says Jo Ellen Grzyb

Check it by BEING GRACIOUS.

Inviting her into the kitchen to chop the veg is actually the best way to avoid conflict; it makes her feel needed and it's one less thing for you to do. If she's being snarky for the sake of it, try not take the bait - because then

"you give her more power than she deserves. Take a deep breath, let it slide, and know you're the bigger person." says Jo Ellen Grzyb

The Spoilt Sibling

This self-absorbed relative always turns up empty-handed, and is more likely to dance on a table than load the dishwasher. "The baby of the family is often let off lightly. As far as they are concerned, things usually get done for them anyway, so this behaviour may be unconscious", Jillings explains.

Check it by SETTING BOUNDARIES

Ask them to bring a specific dish, or let them know what you'll need help with.

Avoid accusations says Jo Ellen Grzyb;

Instead of;

"You never help out!"

Say;

"I'd love to see you there, but I'll need your help with clearing up because I'll be exhausted after dinner."

The Tuned-Out Bloke

Reckon your grandad or brother flicks on the TV faster than you can say "Pass the bread" at a family lunch? He may feel awkward in busy or noisy social settings, or can't see where he might fit in. Or he might just really want to watch the replay of that rugby game a third time.

Check it by MAKING HIM FEEL USEFUL

If he's glued to the couch, Grzyb suggests asking him in a non-threatening way to help with something specific (the BBQ, furniture moving). Otherwise, let him know that he needs to eat with everyone else at a certain time, and there won't be any more ruggers after that point. Then hide the remote.

The Drunk Rellie

Everyone knows one - the charmer who turns up half-tanked and gets straight into the punch to finish the job. Typical outcomes include embarrassing jokes, inappropriate comments, and possibly some spectacular vomiting to round the night off. Whether it's a wedding or a funeral, this person always has too much of a good thing.

Check it by MINIMISING THE CHAOS THEY CAUSE

Jillings suggests planning a brunch, rather than lunch or dinner, to avoid serving alcohol.

Jo Ellen Grzyb says you could tell him

"he's much more fun when he's sober, so you'll limit the amount he drinks. If that's too daunting, don't be afraid to send him home in a taxi when he gets too drunk."

Why have someone who is not actually in control of what he says or does be in control of the situation?"

The One-Up Sister

If your little Sally got 9 out of 10 on her spelling test, her Jimmy got 11. If your hubby got a promotion, hers bought the company. If your salad has olives and feta, hers has half a deli. Jillings says this competition is very common in families, and a longstanding sibling rivalry can be played out through spouses or children

Check it by OPTING OUT OF THE RACE

You could take her one-upmanship to heart, or you could treat it as a game. It's not a competition if only one person is competing, after all. Agree when she says her pavolva recipe is better, or congratulate her on Jimmy's karate success. Even better, pre-empt her.

Say "Before you say anything, I have to tell you all that these aren't a patch on Rachel's brownies, but you're stuck with mine today!"

Jo Ellen Grzyb says making light of it will take the wind out of her sails, and help you stay in control.

Source: NZ Women's Health Magazine, January 2009, "You and Improved" feature, (page 122-3)

Further Reading

Could you, a relative or a friend benefit from further reading around this subject? Why not help them to help themselves.

Psychotherapist Jo Ellen Grzyb, author of

Family Heaven Family Hell Buy the book here

Not assertive enough? Can't say no to someone?

Then read the new book by Impact Factory's Founding Partners Jo-Ellen Grzyb and Robin Chandler;

The Nice Factor: The Art of Saying No